Paranoia Sets In

This flat out proves I was and probably still am a total nutcase. This is a very humorous (to people like me at least) take on a quasi poem/short story format. Have fun with “Paranoia Sets In.”


I can’t breath,

I can’t wake from this nightmare I’m living,

Grab a hold of my dreams,

Pull the curtain aside,

Sit up and gasp,

I can’t believe it,

I was almost smothered,

By my own pillow…again.

Yeah, they’re after me,

They just want me dead,


Well, I can’t get back to sleep now,

Might as well get up and get dressed,

I better check the closet for ninjas,

I’ll put on my fancy new suit and tie,

After I make sure there’s nothing ticking in the pockets,


Now I can head to the bathroom,

After checking for tripwires,

Take a leak,

Right after I check behind the shower curtain,

I’ll squirt some paste on my toothbrush,

Clean up these teeth,

Wait, is that the bitter scent of almonds I smell?

I think I’ll just floss today,


That reminds me,

I’ve gotta be careful at breakfast this morning,

The toaster could be rigged,

Better check for wasabe on my waffles,

Razors in my cornflakes,

Hell, my milk’s probably drugged,

Screw it,

I’ll get something on the way to work,


I’ll head out to my beat up old car,

Do a quick 360 inspection,

Is that something dripping underneath?

Yeah, it’s them again,

Bastards probably cut my brake lines,

Screw it,

I’ll just walk today,

It’s not that far,

I’ll get a McMuffin on the way,

Better stick to the shadows though,

Gotta watch out for snipers,


I’ll stroll down the sidewalk,

Mind my own business,

Is that a cop up ahead?


They’re all on the take,

They’re all on their payroll,

Shit, he’s right by McDonalds too,

Couldn’t hang out at Duncan Donuts like usual,

Must be onto me,

Better play it cool,


It’s a bitch having such an important job,

So many people depend on me,

But you make a lot of enemies in this business too,

Especially if you cross them,

But, I gotta do what I gotta do,

People need me,

I won’t give up now,

I just gotta be careful,


Those footsteps seem awfully close,

When I slow down they slow down,

There’s no way that’s a coincidence,

I could get a knife in the back any minute,

Good thing my undies are Kevlar,

No problem,

I can handle this,

I’ve already got my escape route planned out,

I’ll dash down this alley,

Catch a peek over my shoulder,

Blind man walking his dog,

Yeah right,

I’m not buying that for a minute,


A couple quick turns,

Up a handy fire escape,

On top of the world,

Oops, no time to get sloppy,

Better stay out of site,

The spy sats are watching,


I’ll duck into the shadows,

Make my way to the door,

Four tumblers and a passkey later,

Now I’m inside,

No one can get through these defenses,

I’m a pro, after all,


So this is my safe house,

My base of operations,

Can’t get careless though,

That’s every spy’s weakness,

I’ll do a routine security check,

Just to be sure,


Well now that that’s out of the way,

I can relax a bit,

Make myself a martini,

It’s a quarter to ten,

I’ll have to open shop soon,

Better get ready,

Just let me check under the counter,

Make sure my shotgun’s in place,



The place is lit up and open,

It won’t be long now,

My ‘clientele’ will soon gather,

Then I’ll work my magic,

Snoop for information,

I hope there aren’t any assassins in the crowd,

I almost had to kill a man yesterday because of that,


Ah here’s my first customer,

Better watch him carefully,

He’s an odd looking sort,

Most of them are,

I’ll just keep an eye out while he browses my wares,

Wait, he’s coming over,

What should I do?

I’ll keep a hand on the shotgun,

You can’t be too careful,

Let’s see what he wants,

A price?

Yeah, right,

They’re all clearly stickered,

You can’t pull one on me,

Is that what you really wanna know?

Oh, it really is?

Well, it’s $9.95,

Yeah I know that’s cheap,

I’m not in this for the money,

I’m in it for the thrill,


What, you don’t want it?

Yeah, right,

They sent him,

He’s a spy,

Oh, you want one that vibrates?

I bet you do buddy,

Trying to impress me aren’t you?

Trying to work me like a pro?

Well, I’m not selling one that vibrates to you,

I’m the pro here,

I’ll sell it if I want to and keep it if I don’t,

Yeah, that’s right,

I said no,

Your game is up,

Get out of here,

Don’t ever come back,

You tell them that I’m on the look out,

I know their game,

And I’m not playing,



You leave in a huff,

Get a real job kid,

Mess with me and you might end up dead,

I’ll just set back and wait,

Read my morning paper,

It’s gonna be a long day at the old porn shop,

But I’ll persevere,

People need me,

I’m the only thing standing in the way,

Between the common folk,

And them!


Old Bones

This is another weird poem I wrote when I was most likely doing a lot of reading is the goth genre. It’s called “Old Bones.”

Sodden earth,

Cold stones,

The warmth of decay,

Spongy mass of bone, lying silent and black,

Beetles and worms, plodding through the soil that surrounds me.


The echo of footsteps,

The weight of vague sorrow,

The rustle of carnations,

Those who knew me, come and go,

A habitual torture, the chains that bind me.


Two hundred pounds of granite,

Six feet of rich loam,

The roots and the insects,

Lonely hours, spent shrouded in memory,

This is my prison, this is my home.


Faint smells of Autumn,

Dead children on the street,

Whispers of black lace and velvet,

The smoke of cloves, like sacred incense,

Licorice balm of absinthe, green as my distilled pain.


Touch them,

Hold them,

Love them,

Split one open, slide into warm flesh,

Wrap one about me, walk among them again.


Aching loins,

Burning passions,

Viscious liquid sex,

Alas such sorrow, these things far beyond me,

I lie silent and still, in the cold wet earth.


Tender young children,

Pale fragile flesh,

Hot bloodied lips,

All these things lost to me, centuries ago,

But I can still dream, this dream of the damned.

Hollow Beauty

Okay, this one is just weird even for me. I was probably having an odd moment when I was trying too hard. It’s called “Hollow Beauty”

It’s a cold winter’s night,

Lonely and chill,

I lie here by candlelight,

Silent and still,

Dreaming my dreams of you,

Pretender to death,

Wishing to be like you,

Forced to draw breath,

Your alabaster face,

Your deep ebony eyes,

Growing warm in my embrace,

My beating heart to despise,

I’ll hold you forever,

This shell you’ve become,

Till life’s bonds are severed,

Till flesh dulls and numbs,

I wish I could join you,

But I’m still a coward,

No will to carry through,

It’s not in my power,

Perhaps if I lie here,

Secure in despair,

Will the fading of fear,

Finally draw near,

Will my muscles grow slack,

My flesh chill as stone,

Will I fade and lose track,

The deed finally done,

Will my heart finally cease,

My flesh start decay,

On these cold satin sheets,

Through the warm summer days,

Will the return of cold weather,

See the circle ‘round full,

Will we lie here together,

My bones and your skull.