Paranoia Sets In

This flat out proves I was and probably still am a total nutcase. This is a very humorous (to people like me at least) take on a quasi poem/short story format. Have fun with “Paranoia Sets In.”


I can’t breath,

I can’t wake from this nightmare I’m living,

Grab a hold of my dreams,

Pull the curtain aside,

Sit up and gasp,

I can’t believe it,

I was almost smothered,

By my own pillow…again.

Yeah, they’re after me,

They just want me dead,


Well, I can’t get back to sleep now,

Might as well get up and get dressed,

I better check the closet for ninjas,

I’ll put on my fancy new suit and tie,

After I make sure there’s nothing ticking in the pockets,


Now I can head to the bathroom,

After checking for tripwires,

Take a leak,

Right after I check behind the shower curtain,

I’ll squirt some paste on my toothbrush,

Clean up these teeth,

Wait, is that the bitter scent of almonds I smell?

I think I’ll just floss today,


That reminds me,

I’ve gotta be careful at breakfast this morning,

The toaster could be rigged,

Better check for wasabe on my waffles,

Razors in my cornflakes,

Hell, my milk’s probably drugged,

Screw it,

I’ll get something on the way to work,


I’ll head out to my beat up old car,

Do a quick 360 inspection,

Is that something dripping underneath?

Yeah, it’s them again,

Bastards probably cut my brake lines,

Screw it,

I’ll just walk today,

It’s not that far,

I’ll get a McMuffin on the way,

Better stick to the shadows though,

Gotta watch out for snipers,


I’ll stroll down the sidewalk,

Mind my own business,

Is that a cop up ahead?


They’re all on the take,

They’re all on their payroll,

Shit, he’s right by McDonalds too,

Couldn’t hang out at Duncan Donuts like usual,

Must be onto me,

Better play it cool,


It’s a bitch having such an important job,

So many people depend on me,

But you make a lot of enemies in this business too,

Especially if you cross them,

But, I gotta do what I gotta do,

People need me,

I won’t give up now,

I just gotta be careful,


Those footsteps seem awfully close,

When I slow down they slow down,

There’s no way that’s a coincidence,

I could get a knife in the back any minute,

Good thing my undies are Kevlar,

No problem,

I can handle this,

I’ve already got my escape route planned out,

I’ll dash down this alley,

Catch a peek over my shoulder,

Blind man walking his dog,

Yeah right,

I’m not buying that for a minute,


A couple quick turns,

Up a handy fire escape,

On top of the world,

Oops, no time to get sloppy,

Better stay out of site,

The spy sats are watching,


I’ll duck into the shadows,

Make my way to the door,

Four tumblers and a passkey later,

Now I’m inside,

No one can get through these defenses,

I’m a pro, after all,


So this is my safe house,

My base of operations,

Can’t get careless though,

That’s every spy’s weakness,

I’ll do a routine security check,

Just to be sure,


Well now that that’s out of the way,

I can relax a bit,

Make myself a martini,

It’s a quarter to ten,

I’ll have to open shop soon,

Better get ready,

Just let me check under the counter,

Make sure my shotgun’s in place,



The place is lit up and open,

It won’t be long now,

My ‘clientele’ will soon gather,

Then I’ll work my magic,

Snoop for information,

I hope there aren’t any assassins in the crowd,

I almost had to kill a man yesterday because of that,


Ah here’s my first customer,

Better watch him carefully,

He’s an odd looking sort,

Most of them are,

I’ll just keep an eye out while he browses my wares,

Wait, he’s coming over,

What should I do?

I’ll keep a hand on the shotgun,

You can’t be too careful,

Let’s see what he wants,

A price?

Yeah, right,

They’re all clearly stickered,

You can’t pull one on me,

Is that what you really wanna know?

Oh, it really is?

Well, it’s $9.95,

Yeah I know that’s cheap,

I’m not in this for the money,

I’m in it for the thrill,


What, you don’t want it?

Yeah, right,

They sent him,

He’s a spy,

Oh, you want one that vibrates?

I bet you do buddy,

Trying to impress me aren’t you?

Trying to work me like a pro?

Well, I’m not selling one that vibrates to you,

I’m the pro here,

I’ll sell it if I want to and keep it if I don’t,

Yeah, that’s right,

I said no,

Your game is up,

Get out of here,

Don’t ever come back,

You tell them that I’m on the look out,

I know their game,

And I’m not playing,



You leave in a huff,

Get a real job kid,

Mess with me and you might end up dead,

I’ll just set back and wait,

Read my morning paper,

It’s gonna be a long day at the old porn shop,

But I’ll persevere,

People need me,

I’m the only thing standing in the way,

Between the common folk,

And them!


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