Over the next few weeks all of the project portfolios on this blog will gradually be compiled and moved to the new Darkling Designs website. All of GideonD’s personal works like poetry, reviews, etc. will remain here.

Enjoy the new site!

I’m not sure whether excitement is warranted or not. I’ve learned a lot about buying a house over the last few months. I finally put an offer in on one and now have it under contract. I got a pretty good price on it too. It’s definitely not my dream home but it’s better than living at home the rest of my life. I have a lot of work to put into it though.

Over the next few months you won’t be seeing much guitar related information. The blog will likely be filled with a few home improvement projects. I have to refinish the floors and woodwork, renovate both bathrooms and the kitchen (yay, tile work), and paint. I’ll probably be building a lot of furniture as well. There is also work to be done transforming a basement den into a home studio and the garage into a workshop. I have to lay pavers to expand the patio as well. Let’s not forget a few windows that still need replaced. The list goes on and on.

So if anyone wants to follow the progress of what happens when you are buying a house for the first time and have a ton of work to do updating it, definitely stay tuned. I sell paint and floor covering for a living so I’m very familiar with some of the products that I’ll be using in this project.

I recently bought an old 1986 Ibanez RG530 Roadstar II. It came in a generic TKL chip board case. These cases aren’t that great but it served the purpose well enough. The problem I ran into was that the case and the guitar had been in storage for so long that the case lining had soaked up a musty nasty smell that no amount of cleaning or deodorizing could seem to remove. So my only option was to remove all the lining, seal up the chip board and reline the case with new materials. The following steps are the process I followed. I’ve never done this before so this was another learning experience, but it turned out fairly well.

Tear Down

This is what I had to start with.

Original Condition

The first thing I had to do was remove all the lining materials. This was nothing but a faux fur glued in place. It came out pretty easily with pliers and a stiff putty knife.

Removing the lining.

Removing the lining.

Removing the lining.

Removing the lining.

Removing the lining.

Removing the lining.

I used a couple of scrappers to shave the remainder of the glue off the chipboard.

Clean Case

I was honestly a bit surprised by just how cheaply made this whole thing is. These cases run around $120.00 new these days. This one is constructed of a bent wood frame with steel plates to join the halves. The top and bottom panels are nothing but particle board as are the cross members that form the box.

Re-construction

Before proceeding any further with relining the case I wanted to seal up the wood in case there was any residual odor in it. As fire restoration experts will tell you, there is only one thing that will seal just about anything. Shellac.

Amber Shellac

Shellac is a natural plastic resin made from the droppings of the lac beetle. This liquid version is made by dissolving shellac flake in denatured alcohol. I applied a good heavy coat of shellac using a throw away china bristle chip brush.

Shellaced Case

Next, I started fitting the padding into the case. I opted to use a 1/4″ thick dense white packing foam. This provided good padding with minimal weight.

Fitting the padding.

Fitting the padding.

Fitting the padding.

I cut the neck rest from a thick block of similar foam. Don’t ask where to get this stuff. I have no idea. My father has been bringing it home from work for years. He services medical equipment and I can only assume the stuff he deals is comes packed in this stuff.

Fitting the padding.

Fitting the padding.

Next I used Loctite spray adhesive, which is a contact cement, to adhere the lining to the foam in the lid. I sprayed a liberal coat on the foam without saturating it. The solvents in aerosol can break down these kinds of foam if you over do it. I also lightly misted the back of the lining. I’m using real velvet here and over applying the adhesive will cause it to wick through the front, ruining the fabric. I carefully laid the fabric in place and pressed it down tight.

Lining the Lid

Notice how I masked off the edges of the case. If you skip this step you’ll have the lid stuck to the bottom of the case pretty tight the first time you close it.

Next, I placed a drop cloth over the velvet to protect it while I sprayed the bottom half of the case.

Lining the bottom

Lining the bottom was just like lining the top.

Lining the bottom

Once the material was in place I trimmed it in around the edges.

Lining the bottom

Next, I got to work constructing the side panels. I didn’t have foam or velvet long enough to make one band all the way around the case so I made four separate sections. They join at each end of the case and at the cross bar in the center.

I made these by wrapping pieces of foam with velvet.

Side Panels

Side Panels

I then applied beads of Loctite Power Grab construction adhesive to the panels and pressed them into place.

Installing Panels

Installing Panels

The last photo shows where I joined them. The seam is hardly noticeable.

Installing Panels

The previous photo shows the panel before trimming.

This next photo shows the process of spraying the neck support to adhere velvet to it.

Covering the neck rest.

I couldn’t get the velvet to stretch into the steep arch in the center and stay in place. It kept popping loose. I ended up having to cut it and place a velvet pad in this area to cover the seams.

The next part of the project involved constructing the box. Unfortunately someone decided to take the camera to a family reunion so I was unable to take photos of the work. It went very much as the rest of the lining process. I did use a piece of black felt on the bottom of the lid instead of more velvet. It gave a better finished appearance. I also had to use nylon webbing to make straps that I riveted into place on the lid and one leg to act as hinges. You can see the results in the following photos.

Box rebuilt

Box rebuilt

Box rebuilt

The straps also act as pulls to open the box.

The next step was to finish lining the lid. To do this I folded a piece of velvet over on it self and sewed a double row of stitches down the middle to create a band.

Side panel for the lid

I pre-joined enough pieces to make one long strip with only one seam at the head of the case. I applied this just like the side panels in the bottom of the case. First though I took the time to staple the strap back in place that keeps the lid from falling open. Make sure to do this before running the lining over the area where it has to staple.

Finishing the lid

Finishing the lid

Finishing the lid

Finishing the lid

And that completed the project.

All Done

Well at least I thought it did. It turns out I have some fixing to do.

I checked the fit of the guitar in the case several times during construction, but in the very end I still ended up with too much padding. The case will close, but puts too much pressure on the neck of the guitar. The neck support is very flexible so I think it’s the structure of the box that is pushing it up too far. Tomorrow I’ll have to cut the lining inside the box, remove some padding and re-glue the lining in place. It won’t be quite as pretty, but it shouldn’t be too noticeable. I guess the lesson is that a shallower box is better than warping the neck of your guitar so when in doubt, make it smaller.

Conclusion

Overall, it turned out pretty well. I learned a lot during this project. The prominent things were that velvet is a real pain to work with, spray adhesive is a mess, and you can do the neatest job in the world and still have to screw it up when the guitar doesn’t quite fit satisfactorily. So watch how much padding you use and do a better job than I did.

Thanks for reading.

Stay tuned.

Once I finished building the Little Holey Vengeance pedal board I decided I needed a case for it to protect all the pedals that will be on it. A guy can tie up a ton of cash on these things and it doesn’t make sense to trust their safety to a soft shell case to me. So I decided to build a hard shell case for the thing. I’ve never built a case like this before and I didn’t really know exactly how to go about it.

I watched some videos and read some tutorials and finally designed the case based on the methods used to make guitar cases. I had to modify a few things though. The board with all it’s pedals is both large and heavy. So I needed to construct the case out of thicker materials than I would have preferred. The frame is made of 3/4″ scraps of plywood and pine that I had lying around. The top and bottom are 3/16″ birch subfloor to keep the weight down. I covered the entire thing in an olive drab vinyl. It’s almost a perfect match to the board. Sometimes I think I could fall in love with Denise just because she has everything I need every time I go into the store. She’s cute and a great girl too! I also lined the case with rubber carpet pad, used for commercial double glue installations, and covered it with a soft velor material. It turned out well overall, but I did discover quite a few drawbacks to doing this. I’ll go ahead and list them ahead of time so you’ll be aware of what you are getting into before starting a similar project yourself.

Drawbacks

• 3/4″ plywood is heavy.
• Rubber pad is heavy.
• Vinyl is heavy.
• This damn thing turned out really heavy.
• You have to select your materials more carefully than I did. Some vinyls aren’t meant to be glued.
• You may need another person to help carry this thing because it’s really heavy.
• Did I mention this thing turned out to be really heavy?

As you can see, the main problem is that this thing is heavy. It’s also very bulky, being akin to a very large suitcase. I haven’t weighed it yet, but I’m guessing it comes in at around 50lbs. That is before the board and pedals go in. It would be nice if you could find or commission a plastic case for this thing at a decent price, but that isn’t going to happen. I view this thing as a travel case, sort of like an ammunition crate. I doubt I’ll be keeping the board in it that much when it’s at home.

Now that you know what you are getting into, I’ll go ahead and show you how to build this monstrosity.

Building the Case

First of all I cut out my frame for the bottom part of the case. I used some scrap 3/4″ plywood leftover from the speaker cabinet build and the pedal board itself as well as some pine I had left over from some shelving I made. I cut a couple of 32″ x 8-1/2″ pieces and a couple of 24-1/2″ x 8-1/2″ pieces to start. I drilled and countersunk the ends and assembled them as shown, using wood glue at the joint to strengthen the bond.

Assembling the Frame

Assembling the Frame

Assembling the Frame

I could have dovetailed or finger jointed the corners on this, but I was feeling lazy and opted for a straight butt joint. With the adhesive in place it should be plenty strong once the bottom goes on to give it dimensional stability. Note that the long sides of the frame go inside the short sides. This means that the screws go through the short side and into the long sides. This gives the best support when you consider how the case will be lifted.

I cut the bottom out of 3/16″ subfloor that we use at the store for installing sheet vinyl floors. It’s basically a higher quality void free luan plywood. I cut it slightly larger than the frame and attached it with another bead of glue all the way around the edge and ring shank nails. The ring shank prevents the nail from backing out and showing through the vinyl in the future.

Adding the bottom

Adding the bottom

Once the glue was dried I used my router and a trimmer bit with a collar on the tip to shave the edges of the bottom down even with the sides. Then I filled all nail and screw holes and sanded it all smooth once they dried.

I used the same jig I used on the speaker cabinet I built to drill holes for the handle and inserts. I neglected to take photos of this unfortunately but it’s pretty straight forward. I just attached and amp style handle to one of the long sides of the case. I centered it based on the total height of the case with the lid added.

Now I was ready for vinyl. This is where things started turning sour. The vinyl I selected was one I had not worked with before. The Tolex I normally use on amp cabinets has a pretty smooth threadlike texture on the back of it and takes glue fairly well. The olive drab vinyl I got for the project was meant as more of an upholstery fabric. That means it was meant to be sewn over a padded surface, not glued to a hard surface. As a result I had all sorts of issues getting my glue to work.

First off all I started out with the waterborne 3M contact adhesive I used on the speaker cabinet.

Gluing the vinyl

I applied it to both surfaces to be bonded with a small roller.

Gluing the vinyl

Gluing the vinyl

Gluing the vinyl

It worked fine on the wood since it was a pretty smooth surface. It even dried quickly this time. The vinyl was another matter. The back was so fleecy that it soaked up all the adhesive. I tried gluing it three times and it still would not leave enough adhesive on the surface to allow it to tack sufficiently to form a good bond. It also took ages to dry.

After fighting with that for a while, I abandoned the contact adhesive and opted to try a carpet adhesive. I applied that with a trowel.

Gluing the vinyl

I stretched the vinyl across the back and then spent about a half an hour working the adhesive ridges out of it. This probably would have worked better if the contact adhesive was not already on the fabric. As it was, the multiple layers of contact adhesive had sealed the fleece up, preventing it from absorbing the excess carpet adhesive. I had to work the ridges out from the center using a rolling pin. I left it to dry overnight and it actually turned out fairly well. The bond was good, but I felt it could be better so I brought home  a can of rubber tile adhesive to use in place of the carpet adhesive. I figured that if it would hold rubber tile, then vinyl should be no issue. So I moved on to the the long sides next.

Gluing more vinyl

I ran a bead of Locktite Power Grab along the edge for extra and more immediate hold.

Gluing more vinyl

Gluing more vinyl

Gluing more vinyl

I then stretched the vinyl over the side as tight as I could and stapled it to the inside to keep a nice surface. Again, I had to work it out with a rolling pin, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the bottom since the fleece was open to absorb the adhesive. You can see where I also trimmed the corners in.

Seaming the corners

Seaming the corners

I also wrapped the side part way around the end of the case.

Seaming the corners

I glued this in place with Locktite. I did this because I wanted the seam to be on the end of the case instead of right on the corner. The corners are not the best place for seams. There is more stress and wear on the corners and it causes the seams to peel apart.I did the other long side the exact same way.

Here I pulled the end flap up and clamped it temporarily.

Seaming the corners

I then measured in 1-1/2″ from the edge and marked the vinyl. I also measured up 1/2″ and marked a diagonal line from the corner to the other line. Then I double cut the vinyl, meaning I cut through both layers are once. This gives a pretty good fit between the two pieces.

Seaming the corners

I dropped the flap down and peeled off the excess that I had cut away from the other pieces.

I glued the end the same was as the long sides and stretched it into place. I did have some issues with this method though. The adhesive I was using is not a fast grabbing adhesive like contact cement. It stays wet and moves around a bit for several hours. That resulted in the vinyl wanting to creep a little and the seams started to gap. I peeled them back slightly and re-adhered then with Locktite. That still didn’t quite cut it though so I ended up running a bead of super glue in the seams to keep them from coming back apart.

Once the vinyl was done I moved on to lining the case after attaching the handle. I cut another piece of 3/16″ plywood to fit inside the case with about 1/8″ of play. Then I sprayed it with Locktite spray on contact adhesive. I also cut a piece of 1/4″ thick 80 ounce rubber carpet pad and sprayed one side of it with contact adhesive. Once they tacked I pressed them together.

I then cut an over-sized piece of the lining material and sprayed both the backside of it and the other side of the rubber pad with contact adhesive. Once tacked, I stretched it into place over the pad and flipped it over to glue the edges on the back as well. These photos are from the sides I did this way, but the bottom was constructed the same.

Lining the case – rubber pad

Lining the case – lining

Lining the case – pad on board

Lining the case – assembled panels

This contact adhesive dries very quickly since it’s solvent based. It’ll make a real mess though with the over spray. I’d suggest using some throw away drop cloths. Paper or plastic doesn’t work well though as they stick to everything. Canvas is better but more expensive. I managed the entire project just flipping one 12′ x 15′ drop cloth to a clean spot repeatedly.

Once the panels were ready I installed them using the Locktite Power Grab adhesive. I did the bottom first, then the long sides, and finally the short sides, fitting them inside the longer sides.

Lining the case

Lining the case

Lining the case

Lining the case

The adhesive grabs fast, but it still needs some pressure on it for a while to get the best bond. The last couple of photos show how I used some flat wood and a set of spreader clamps to tension the inside panels until they cured.

Note that I made these inside panels 1/2″  taller than the case. They protrude above the case to give it a lip for the top to drop over.

Next I flipped the whole thing over and put some plastic feet on it so it glides. These things came with an adhesive disk as well as a screw to attach them. I can’t recommend strongly enough that you remove the adhesive disk and clean it up with some Goo Gone. I installed these with the disk the first time and the glue liquified and oozed everywhere.

Adding feet

Once that was done I moved on to constructing the top. It was just like the bottom except I only made the frame 1″ tall.

Constructing the top

Constructing the top

Constructing the top

Orion sanded the hell out of it for me to make it nice and smooth. We used the spray on contact adhesive to attach the vinyl this time. It seemed to work well. The seams definitely came out better. However, it seems that the lighter coat of spray adhesive did not saturate the fleecy backing enough to solidify it. That means that when you press or set something heavy on the top it leaves a mark pretty easily and doesn’t seem to come out. So the contact adhesive was better for the seams but worse for the open areas.

We used a thicker memory foam carpet pad in the top of the case since it may be resting against the actual pedals on the board. The process was the same for this as it was for the other panels. We did not make any side panels for the top. The lip from the bottom fits firmly against the top panel when closed. The top panel fills the majority of the lid.

Lining the top

I had intended to attach the lid with a piano hinge on one side and latches on the other. However, the lid fit so tightly that I wasn’t sure it would close properly if it were hinged. So I opted to put a set of latches all the way around the case instead. This way the lid just pushes down on and completely detaches when unlatched.

Hardware installed

Hardware installed

Here is the finished case.

Complete

Complete

Conclusion

Well, it certainly will protect those pedals. It turned out pretty well for something I’ve never done before. If I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn’t do it at all. This thing is just too damn heavy. I intend to put a set of casters on the side opposite the handle so it sits level and is easier to tote around. I doubt it’ll see much use around the house but it’ll served as good protection during transport. I couldn’t have built a better crate if I’d tried to built a crate.

All in all, I wish I had stuck with my original idea of making a plexiglass shell that would just drop over the board and thumb screw onto it. It would have offered plenty of protection and been one hell of a lot lighter. This case does provide an extreme amount of protection and will do a better job keeping water out though. We live and learn!

I hope everyone found this interesting. I sure did. Now I can move on to easier projects for a while. I think I’ll re-cover my weight bench while I have all this vinyl knowledge fresh in mind. I guess I get to go see Denise again soon!

Thanks for reading.

My inner child is screaming,

My eyes just won’t stop bleeding,

I’m on the brink of euphoria,

I’m blind to my own dreams,

I’ve turned my back on society,

Sacrificed my propriety,

Laid my soul across the yellow line,

Waiting for a tanker full of revelations,

I’ve laid my self to rest,

Folded my hands upon my chest,

Osmosis draws the pain inside me,

I’m filled past overflowing,

It’s not so bad really,

Pretending otherwise is silly,

I thought pain and sorrow had no ending,

But even the sharpest knife grows dull,

When life and love lose meaning,

When young men halt their preening,

When heartbreak fades to empty,

Tranquillity is achieved,

That’s where I’ll lie waiting,

Mentally masturbating,

Prepared to expel these seeds of truth?

Perhaps they aren’t worth mentioning,

My inner child was screaming,

For a life devoid of meaning,

I drove a dagger through his throat,

Now I’m deafened by the silence.

Have I sinned?

Should I care?

Who have I sinned against?

Is it God?

Or perhaps Society?

Does it matter either way?

 

Have I hurt you?

Do you hate me?

Have I loved you?

Have I possesed you?

Was it your will or mine?

Was it both?

 

You were so young.

I was in my prime.

You were full of life.

I was slowly dying inside.

Your world was just opening before your eyes.

Mine had been unraveling for quite some time.

 

We met by chance.

At a Christmas party.

You were fifteen.

Beautiful in your emerald dress.

I was ten years advanced.

Solemn in black velvet.

 

We were two shooting stars in passing.

You were on a course for heaven.

I was falling down to hell.

Was it a glimpse of destiny?

A prelude to imminent collision?

Or just another sigh in time?

 

A friend of a friend introduced us.

You cast your eyes aside.

You said hello in your shy way.

I was speechless.

I could only stare.

Already my heart was melting.

 

Months passed by.

I lay dreaming.

Fond memories of you plagued me.

Your raven hair.

Your liquid eyes.

That shy schoolgirl smile.

 

You’d all but forgotten me.

Life carries on.

You’d become a woman.

But you still weren’t happy.

Your father was strict.

Your mother was cold.

 

You weren’t allowed to date.

You weren’t allowed to have fun.

You felt their shackles binding you.

A traditional family gone too far.

I’m sure that they loved you.

But they were crushing your soul.

 

So you ran away.

As you’d done twice before.

But this time was different.

You wouldn’t be returning.

Your determination was strong.

I was in the shadows, waiting.

 

It was purely by chance.

I found you in the park.

It was close to midnight.

You sat on a bench crying.

So cold.

So alone.

 

I wrapped my trenchcoat around you.

You looked up in surprise.

A spark shot between us.

It was like heaven and hell meeting.

It was like old lovers reunited.

Recognition dawned in your eyes.

 

I took you to an all night cafe.

Filled you up with sweets and lattes.

You poured out your sad tale.

I’d heard it all before, of course.

But this time it touched me.

This time it was real.

 

I drove you to my place.

Insisted you stay the night.

You were hesitant at first.

But so trusting.

You refused to go home.

So you had little choice.

 

I laid you in my bed.

I slid in beside you.

I wrapped my arms around you.

You shivered in fear.

But I only wanted to hold you.

Soon you slept peacefully.

 

You went to school as usual.

The months passed on by.

You had me to to come home to.

A job to occupy your time.

But your heart was still hurting.

Your family denied you.

 

You were eternally greatful.

Truth be told, so was I.

We were so lonely before.

Now we had each other to hang on to.

It was only a matter of time.

Forbidden love grew between us.

 

One night you came home crying.

Your mother had found you.

Angry words were exchanged.

Neither of you understanding.

I held you till midnight.

I kissed away your tears.

 

I laid you in my bed.

I slid in beside you.

I wrapped my arms around you.

You shivered with longing.

You accepted my kisses.

My gentle probings.

 

You burned beneath my fingers.

You writhed at my touch.

Our tongues sought intimate places.

Your pain was exquisite.

I bathed in your blood.

As we made love till dawn.

 

Our nights filled with passion.

Our days with old memories.

Our troubles were forgotten.

We had all that we needed.

In our love for each other.

Forbidden though it be.

 

But spring found us troubled.

Your blood had stopped flowing.

A trip to the doctor.

Confirmed our worst fears.

Not quite sixteen.

You carried my child.

 

Several months passed.

We grew content with this turn.

A child born of love.

Couldn’t be wrong.

But your parents still worried us.

As well as the law.

 

Then it happened late one evening.

My whole world was shattered.

You took off work early.

You weren’t feeling too well.

You clung to me weeping.

You collapsed to the floor.

 

I gasped out in horror.

As blood pooled by your thighs.

I swept you up in my arms.

I dialed 911.

They arrived far too late.

In my embraced you’d grown still.

 

It took less than a week.

A warrant was issued.

Your parents wanted justice.

For the ‘crimes’ I’d committed.

So I loaded up my car.

I just disappeared.

 

I’m still on the road.

A long trip it’s been.

Not a day can pass by.

I think of you and my child.

I’m holed up in a motel.

Deciding my own fate.

 

I sit here and ponder.

This world that we live in.

Twisted and dark.

Like a black stained-glass window.

What kind of people.

Can call love a crime?

 

So I lie back and gaze out.

Through a grimy glass window.

Whiskey in one hand.

Colt .45 in the other.

The tips have been crossed.

The chambers are loaded.

 

The hours pass by.

I lay dreaming.

Fond memories of you plague me.

Your raven hair.

Your liquid eyes.

That shy schoolgirl smile.

 

The time is at hand.

The sirens are wailing.

They’ve caught up to me at last.

One last shot of whiskey.

A click.

A hammer locking into place.

 

The barrel is a memory.

Cool like your lips.

One last kiss to share with you.

I squeeze you tightly.

Together forever.

In crimson ecstasy.

All love the children,

Some more than others,

Spades and flowers,

The abuse of a mother,

 

Fourteen years of torture,

Endless skies of sanguine pain,

Voluntary amnesia,

Alone in chartreuse rain,

 

Take flight my little sparrow,

Dreams of azure skies,

Beat your wings against the cage,

Bloody tears that haunt your eyes,

 

Broken doll on a forgotten shelf,

Toyed with and tossed aside,

Leather belts and cigarettes,

No place to run and hide,

 

Father’s sick and twisted love,

Mother’s cold disregard,

Brother long since flown the pen,

Splintered like a broken shard,

 

Designer drugs and dark drenched eyes,

The price your tainted flesh,

Paid in sex and blood and pain,

Sweet death at your own behest,

 

Sad and gray upon the knoll,

Monochrome fills the sky,

Spades and flowers for you sister,

Rusted pain, my heart’s well dry.

Suffocation,

I can’t breath,

I can’t wake from this nightmare I’m living,

Grab a hold of my dreams,

Pull the curtain aside,

Sit up and gasp,

I can’t believe it,

I was almost smothered,

By my own pillow…again.

Yeah, they’re after me,

They just want me dead,

 

Well, I can’t get back to sleep now,

Might as well get up and get dressed,

I better check the closet for ninjas,

I’ll put on my fancy new suit and tie,

After I make sure there’s nothing ticking in the pockets,

 

Now I can head to the bathroom,

After checking for tripwires,

Take a leak,

Right after I check behind the shower curtain,

I’ll squirt some paste on my toothbrush,

Clean up these teeth,

Wait, is that the bitter scent of almonds I smell?

I think I’ll just floss today,

 

That reminds me,

I’ve gotta be careful at breakfast this morning,

The toaster could be rigged,

Better check for wasabe on my waffles,

Razors in my cornflakes,

Hell, my milk’s probably drugged,

Screw it,

I’ll get something on the way to work,

 

I’ll head out to my beat up old car,

Do a quick 360 inspection,

Is that something dripping underneath?

Yeah, it’s them again,

Bastards probably cut my brake lines,

Screw it,

I’ll just walk today,

It’s not that far,

I’ll get a McMuffin on the way,

Better stick to the shadows though,

Gotta watch out for snipers,

 

I’ll stroll down the sidewalk,

Mind my own business,

Is that a cop up ahead?

Bastards,

They’re all on the take,

They’re all on their payroll,

Shit, he’s right by McDonalds too,

Couldn’t hang out at Duncan Donuts like usual,

Must be onto me,

Better play it cool,

 

It’s a bitch having such an important job,

So many people depend on me,

But you make a lot of enemies in this business too,

Especially if you cross them,

But, I gotta do what I gotta do,

People need me,

I won’t give up now,

I just gotta be careful,

 

Those footsteps seem awfully close,

When I slow down they slow down,

There’s no way that’s a coincidence,

I could get a knife in the back any minute,

Good thing my undies are Kevlar,

No problem,

I can handle this,

I’ve already got my escape route planned out,

I’ll dash down this alley,

Catch a peek over my shoulder,

Blind man walking his dog,

Yeah right,

I’m not buying that for a minute,

 

A couple quick turns,

Up a handy fire escape,

On top of the world,

Oops, no time to get sloppy,

Better stay out of site,

The spy sats are watching,

 

I’ll duck into the shadows,

Make my way to the door,

Four tumblers and a passkey later,

Now I’m inside,

No one can get through these defenses,

I’m a pro, after all,

 

So this is my safe house,

My base of operations,

Can’t get careless though,

That’s every spy’s weakness,

I’ll do a routine security check,

Just to be sure,

 

Well now that that’s out of the way,

I can relax a bit,

Make myself a martini,

It’s a quarter to ten,

I’ll have to open shop soon,

Better get ready,

Just let me check under the counter,

Make sure my shotgun’s in place,

 

Alright,

The place is lit up and open,

It won’t be long now,

My ‘clientele’ will soon gather,

Then I’ll work my magic,

Snoop for information,

I hope there aren’t any assassins in the crowd,

I almost had to kill a man yesterday because of that,

 

Ah here’s my first customer,

Better watch him carefully,

He’s an odd looking sort,

Most of them are,

I’ll just keep an eye out while he browses my wares,

Wait, he’s coming over,

What should I do?

I’ll keep a hand on the shotgun,

You can’t be too careful,

Let’s see what he wants,

A price?

Yeah, right,

They’re all clearly stickered,

You can’t pull one on me,

Is that what you really wanna know?

Oh, it really is?

Well, it’s $9.95,

Yeah I know that’s cheap,

I’m not in this for the money,

I’m in it for the thrill,

 

What, you don’t want it?

Yeah, right,

They sent him,

He’s a spy,

Oh, you want one that vibrates?

I bet you do buddy,

Trying to impress me aren’t you?

Trying to work me like a pro?

Well, I’m not selling one that vibrates to you,

I’m the pro here,

I’ll sell it if I want to and keep it if I don’t,

Yeah, that’s right,

I said no,

Your game is up,

Get out of here,

Don’t ever come back,

You tell them that I’m on the look out,

I know their game,

And I’m not playing,

 

Yeah,

You leave in a huff,

Get a real job kid,

Mess with me and you might end up dead,

I’ll just set back and wait,

Read my morning paper,

It’s gonna be a long day at the old porn shop,

But I’ll persevere,

People need me,

I’m the only thing standing in the way,

Between the common folk,

And them!